Josh Pastner doesn't drink. Josh Pastner doesn't smoke. Josh Pastner never "tried caffeine." Josh Pastner is a freak.

Those are the only conclusions to be drawn from this Associated Press report, which details Pastner's rise in coaching and his rather insane regimen, which involves no booze, no caffeine and, consequently, no fun of any sort.

Pastner, the new Memphis coach, says he has never sipped alcohol, smoked a cigarette, tried caffeine or drunk a soda. He is no goody two-shoes; he is just the coaching equivalent of a gym rat. [...] “He’s always said he would want to tell his players if he wants to be a role model for his players, he would want to make sure what he told them, he lived so he decided never to drink alcohol, and we never gave him soda,” Hal Pastner said.

I don't want to get too hung up on the chemical ingestion thing. There are some other good nuggets in this piece, which, despite being a little puffy, does have some fun anecdotal stuff that manages to make Josh Pastner look pretty cool. For example, Pastner almost got cut from his freshman year basketball team; he was the team's MVP by the time he was a senior. That sort of thing.

But this whole no-caffeine thing just blows my mind. I can see not drinking. If you're a wunderkind like Pastner, who has been coaching since he was 15 or so, I can see deciding not to drink at a young age (true story: I did the same) and following through on that as you make your rise in coaching. That sort of makes sense.

Caffeine, though. Sweet, life-giving caffeine. Mmm. This I find harder to believe. Is there a single college basketball coach in this country not wired on at least 150 grams of caffeine right now? Caffeine comprises nearly 75 percent of any Division 1 coaches bloodstream at any given time. This is just the way things work. We're to believe that Pastner manages to recruit alongside these men -- and recruit well -- without any jitter-juice in brain space?

Sure, it's possible. Some people are just freaks. Josh Pastner is a head coach at Memphis at 31, so he qualifies for consideration. Or maybe the AP is just a little too credulous toward Pastner's self-descriptions. You tell me which is more likely.